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In 1998 I stayed with a young married couple while working at Camp Sonshine in Silver Spring, Maryland. They had a sheet of paper that was well torn and taped on their refrigerator it was called Rules of Fighting. I have told others about this list. The following is my attempt at recreating the list.
Conflict is normal
Go after the problem - Not each other
Stay in the present - one issue at a time
Stay on the topic of contention - state topic clearly - ask for specifics
NO degrading language - name calling
NO blaming - accusations
NO cussing
NO yelling - talk softly
NO use of force
NO talk of divorce
DO get curious - not defensive
DO take turns talking - (no) interrupting - listen respectfully
DO use time outs, when necessary (Limit fighting to 30 minutes)
DO define yourself not your partner (use “I” not “you”) (forget the words “always” and “never”)
DO agree to disagree
DO brainstorm solutions
Chose the best solution
Make up a safe word when in public and the arguing is going too far (goofy word)
Never go to bed angry
Sincerely yours,
Canita
Go after the problem - Not each other
Stay in the present - one issue at a time
Stay on the topic of contention - state topic clearly - ask for specifics
NO degrading language - name calling
NO blaming - accusations
NO cussing
NO yelling - talk softly
NO use of force
NO talk of divorce
DO get curious - not defensive
DO take turns talking - (no) interrupting - listen respectfully
DO use time outs, when necessary (Limit fighting to 30 minutes)
DO define yourself not your partner (use “I” not “you”) (forget the words “always” and “never”)
DO agree to disagree
DO brainstorm solutions
Chose the best solution
Make up a safe word when in public and the arguing is going too far (goofy word)
Never go to bed angry
Sincerely yours,
Canita
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